Larry Totter and the Voice of Reason
by Quang Tai and the LOC
Summary: You ever get the feeling that Harry and Ron were more than just friends? yeah, us too. this story isn't for the weak of heart (or stomach) or for people who will impale us for making fun of HP. Not to mention pregnant people... it could be dangerous.


Together, we are Quang Tai and the LOC. However, apart, we are Author A and Author B (That rhymed!!) Although we are...ahem...morally flexible, we feel the need to issue a fair warning: If you are a diehard HP fan, you probably shouldn't read this. Flames are, of course, welcome, because we like seeing you squirm, but, though we have no problem with offending you, if you don't wish to be offended, just don't read this. Now, also take into consideration our maturity... or lack thereof. And our age when we started this, which was... eleven? Twelve, maybe? So yeah. We were very twisted and demented little kids and didn't really mean a lot of what we said. In fact, we don't mean any of what we say. We don't mean to diss gay people. We love you guys. The end.  
  
Stuff you need to know: Larry=Harry. Duh. Don = Ron. Also duh. McWhiney = Hermoine. Because, at the time, the movie hadn't come out and we thought those pronunciations rhymed. You know what? If you have questions, e-mail us. We're not wasting space on writing out all the names. It's kermitkermit@forpresident.com Knock yourselves out. Just don't judge to harshly, it gets better as it goes! (  
  
CHAPTER ONE  
  
Larry Totter was not your ordinary boy, sure he was gay but that didn't matter to him, just as long as he was always with the homosexual love of his life Don Sleasly (also known as Larry's Sleasy and/or Donnikins.) But that is not the only strange thing that makes Harry abnormal, you see he is also a wizard currently attending Pigpimples school of Magicand Magickry. The next day Larry got owls (the magical equivalent of letters) from many different People, Don, McWhiney (his friend from school), Kho Kain (a girl that Larry liked before he discovered his true feelings about Don), Seerius Crack (his Godfather), and Haggard.  
  
Larry's favorite by far was Don's, so here it is:  
  
My Dearest Larry, I long to be with you, to share the same dormitory, to see you every day, to watch you sleep at night, to watch you eat and taste with your fabulous tongue (which I know first hand is special). I long to walk with you hand in hand through the deserted moonlit corridors and go out for those long midnight rendezvous by the pond with the moonlight shining upon your gorgeous tresses; blacker than the dark side of the moon, with the overly- large octopus making ripples on the lake's smooth surface. I must fly, my dear, but do not fret for I shall see thy beautiful self at Pigpimples, though time goes ever so slowly when I think about the love of my life (that would be you). Visit if you can, you can sleep in my room. Write me back my Love Monkey; I cannot go without you much longer. Fare thee well my sweet, I love you so. (P.s. it was so very heroic the way you saved me from the evil clutches of the deadly underwater sea/pond people.)  
  
Your bear cub, Don  
  
Don's letter really moved Larry and though he very much wanted to write Don back he decided to read every one else's letters first. McWhiney's said:  
  
Dear Larry,  
Even though you are probably off somewhere smooching with Don I decided to risk it and send you a birthday card. I mean I know that you insist that you're just rehearsing for a play, but it's really getting out of hand. Have you gotten your school stuff yet? If not, I haven't either. My parents and I have talked it over and after a while we agreed to invite you and Don to come along to Horizont Ally if you two promise not to make total fools of yourselves... at least not in public. Which means: No Eskimo kisses, no butterfly kisses, no kisses of any kind, no hugs, no holding hands, no arms around each other, no hands in each other's back pockets, no sweet talking to each other, no giving each other candy or flowers, and especially no feeding each other or drinking out of each other's cups as you do so often in the great hall (by the way that's why I stopped sitting with you at dinner.) Well any ways happy birthday Larry. Write me back.  
  
McWhiny  
Stranger  
  
Larry found this letter a little annoying, but he didn't mind. So he moved on to the letter from Kho Khain. It read:  
  
Hey Larry,  
I'm Sorry for being such an idiot with Fredric before and I hope you forgive me. I realize (now that Fredric's gone) that you mean a lot to me, and I don't want to lose that feeling. I already feel like I'm being too mushy, so I'll say this before I get to terribly embarrassed. On our 1st Pigsbleed trip please meet me in the 3 ½ Devices Used for Floor Cleanliness right away. Well I don't want this to be too long (too late) so write me back soon.  
  
Kho  
Khain  
  
Larry would have loved to get this letter half a year ago but Don was the love of his life now and nothing could change that, although reading this letter gave Larry a kind of warm squishy feeling in his stomach. "Oh great, first I'm gay, now I'm bisexual," thought Larry as he realized that he still had feelings for Kho. What was he going to tell Don? He decided not to worry about this yet but to read Seerius's letter. It said:  
  
Dear Larry,  
See, how's it coming? I would invite you over for a birthday dinner, see, but I'm still living in that cave in Pigsbleed. It's lonely here with only Duckbill, see, but it's better than Le Jaille. Well, sorry the letters so short, but I'm running out of ink, see. Happy birthday!  
  
Seerius (see)  
  
Harry made a mental note to send Sirius some food, and then turned to Haggard's letter. It stated:  
  
Dear Larry,  
Happy birthday, 15 already, why it seems like just yesterday when I dropped you off at the Durzzles, just a crying little bundle o' joy. The one last Newt just wouldn't die but we found out what it ate. It burnt down the box that I was keeping it in, and ran off into the way-off-limits woods. The good part about my being too chicken to get it back is that now Professor Snake has a good supply of powdered unicorn bones for potions. I've never seen an entire species go from plentiful to endangered in a span of six hours. Well, in the end, Professor Fumblegate resorted to using the You're Dead Now Corpse Boy curse... you know, for an old geezer he sure can jump high when it comes to avoiding a You're Dead Now Corpse Boy curse that has just boomeranged off a Newt's shell. Well, I've gotta' go and bury the Newt's body. Happy birthday.  
  
Your Friend,  
Haggard  
  
Larry was very happy that the Newt had finally gone kaput! He hoped it would rot in hell, but that was a little much to ask, especially since the devil (all hail) had done him so many favors already. How else would he have gotten that Ferrari? At least it was dead and that was a miracle in itself. He decided to get writing to Don over with. It wouldn't be pretty telling Don about Kho...  
  
My dearest, my darling, my love, Don, You know my feelings for you are divine... they are beyond compare. But I must tell you, my sweet darling with the hair of brightest sunrise, color of the dawn, that I love not only thee, though it is thou I choose above the other to be my love monkey. I shall not keep it fromst thou any longer, oh Donnie of the Furrow. I cherish not only thee, my lovely sweetums, but also Lady Kho of Khain, and I know she loves me back. But do not fret, for my love for you is greater than all the world, whereas my love for Lady Kho of Khain is only the mere size of thrice the population of India. I am to meet Lady Kho of Khain at the 3 ½ Devises Used for Floor Cleanliness on our 1st Pigsbleed trip. If it pleases you, my Bearcub, you may come along under the Cloak of Unseeingness. Who knows, I might just crawl on under there with you, hee-hee.  
  
With all my love,  
Larry  
  
Then he started his letter to McWhiney.  
  
Dear McWhiney,  
Can't you leave Don and me alone? After all, we're just kidding around, and you know that red hair is cute. And as for eating off each other's plates, we are merely sampling each other's food and drinks. So what if they're exactly the same things? So what if we're really doing it because we're too deeply in love to care about what Muffin says? Would it really be that bad? And furthermore, if girls become really, really, really close friends, they hold hands! Why can't boys do that, too? Is the whole world prejudiced against us? About the hands in each other's back pockets, just mind your own business! And about the kissing, Donnie and I just aren't ready for that kind of relationship yet. And even when we are we won't let you know until we are ready to announce it to the world, otherwise it wouldn't be fair. Furthermore, the special man in my life... if there even is a man in my life at all... and I only exchange butterfly kisses when we whisper in each other's ears. And sure we put our arms around each other but can you name a better way of conserving and transferring bodily heat? Well thanks a lot for the birthday card (note the sarcasm). Sure I'll meet you in Horizont ally.  
  
Your friend (not for long if you don't keep your nose out of my business)  
Larry  
  
Feeling much better Larry began his letter to Kho Kain  
  
Dear Kho,  
Sure I'll meet you, but ya' gotta' know, you are not the only one in my life. There is one other, but I shall not reveal his her name to you at this time, for I fear that he she will be angered. P.S. I'm addicted to your love and the feeling that you give me! (And you!)  
  
Love,  
Larry  
  
Larry sent Seerius food, some ink, and a card wishing him good luck. "Okay," Larry thought, "now on to Haggard's letter."  
  
Dear Haggard,  
Sorry about the Newt. Bummer. But you have to admit; they were really getting dangerous. Well I know that your touchy on that subject, so lets just be moving on. Have you talked to Madame Maximum lately? I hear you two were really hitting it off at one point. Was that just a rumor? Well Headweave is hooting at me for some dinner, so I'd better be going.  
  
Larry  
  
Headweave, Larry's snowy white owl, was not actually hooting for dinner, she was out handling the job of the postal service, but Larry was running out of subject matter. He decided that he was done writing for the day, so he closed his bottle of ink and put it, his baby blue with pink hearts luxury eagle feather quill, and his extra parchment with little purple flowers around the edges in one of the drawers in his rose colored desk. He was confused about his feelings for Don and Kho, after all he was a public hero in the wizarding world. "Being gay or bisexual just makes me even stranger," he thought. "Is that really what I want for myself? To go from hero to bisexual laughing stock? And how do I really feel about Kho? Is it anything compared to my Donniekins? Am I really in love with my Donniekins or is it just my care for Don as a friend and my painfully overactive imagination combined? And if I really am gay and admit it to anyone, it will travel around the school like wildfire until it gets to Muffin, who will then tease the crap out of me for the rest of my civilized life and then I'll never lose my virginity. Not like it's already hard enough for me... I mean, it's not like I don't have hundreds of girls clamoring to love me, but the emotional stress it puts upon me is unbearable, even for a superhero such as myself." Just then, Headweave came through the window (which was luckily open) with another letter from McWhiney. It read:  
  
Larry,  
The Sleasly's will pick you up at your house (by Snortkey) in 2 days at twelve o' clock P.M. You will then go to the Sleasly's and use Achoo Powder to get to Horizont Alley (please get all the nasty stuff with Don over with at his house IN PRIVATE!!!!!). My parents and I will meet you all at Bringpots Bank to pull out some currency. See you then.  
  
McWhiney  
  
Larry was so delighted to hear that he would be spending some "quality time" with Don that he decided to write to Don right away and ask if he could be picked up a day early. So he did just that and waited longingly for a reply. When it finally came Larry tore it open and read anxiously...  
  
My dearest Larry,  
I would be ecstatic if you could come a day early SO THAT I COULD KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!! How dare you have feelings about another! I was so touched by your previous love letters, and now I come to find them all frauds, and if you don't hurry up and send an owl to me telling a damn good explanation about these "feelings for another," than there will be blood tonight, specifically yours! Plus I will write to McWhiney and tell her that I won't come to Horizont alley with her because of you! Well, goodbye, maybe forever  
  
Donald  
  
P.S. I am no longer your Donniekins!  
  
This letter terrified Larry, but at least he would be picked up a day early. At least one of the Sleasly's still loved him and her name was Tonickie. [AN: you know, Tonickie? Like...Ginnie? As in...gin and tonic? Eh? Eh?] At that moment, Larry's cousin Chubbly (who expressed his love by beating the "lucky one" into a bloody pulp) came in and beat the living shit out of Larry... again... for the third time that day. "Writing to your boyfriend again? He's not half the man you know I am!" Chubbly yelled along with the funny cracking sound Larry's ribs always made whenever Chubbly was feeling particularly horny. "Oh please Chubbly! You know red hair is cute and DUH! You are literally twice the man that my Donniekins is... in size!" For you see, Chubbly weighed as much as a small herd of North African antelope, though, although slender, weigh a lot more than one would think. Yeah. You heard us.  
"And furthermore, Don and I might be breaking up! Now I'll have a  
GIRLfriend!  
She's so lucky because she's gonna be dating a star..." Chubbly interrupted at that point. "And when you dump her for her brother she's gonna cry and cry and cry out her broken heart thinkin' 'If there's nothin' missing in my life then why  
don't I have Larry?' So who is it anyway, is she NORMAL? You know I'm  
normal." "She's no one you know, Crap Factory!" Larry retorted. "Then what's 'her' name? I bet that she's either imaginary or inflatable!" "Look who's talking, you gained 876 pounds in the last week! I bet you're inflatable! And what would you know about girls? You haven't seen them close up for 6 years because your tum-tum sticks out five feet in front of you!" "Don't you dare insult my tum-tum! It provides protection from injury and insulation from the cold!" "Like blubber?" "Why yes! And as a matter of fact ... wait a minute!!! Why I oughtta..."  
  
Just then, Uncle Vergon came in and informed Chubblers that it was time for his triangular grapefruit sliver.  
  
"But dad, Larry insulted my tum-tum!" "He did, did he? Why, that's the finest tum-tum I've ever seen! It provides protection from injury and insulation from the cold! Rather like blubber, I should say, yes... wait a minute Chubbly, I'll get my old Beating Baton and we can kill Larry, both of us together! A sort of father son bonding-thingie, how about that?"  
  
With that, Uncle Vergon left to fetch his Beating Baton.  
  
"Daddy, I don't really want Larry dead, I just lost my temper when he insulted my tum-tum, honest! Anyway, it's all right if we let him live... this time," said Larry in a voice exactly like Chubbly's. "But why don't we go to your office as a father son bondie-thingie instead? No television, no Playstation or Nintendo 64, and no computer! It'll be nothing but you, me, and the drills!" "What's that you say there, Chubblers? Sure, I'd love to take you to Boring Drill Manufacturers, Inc.! We can stay there for about seven and a half hours! I've been meaning to get some work done!"  
  
Then, deaf to Chubbly's screams of pure terror, Uncle Vergon dragged him to the car. Larry went and got out his quill, planning to write to Kho again, but when he picked it up he felt as if a hook somewhere just behind his navel was jerked and he was flying, flying, flying through the air...  
  
So that was the first chapter. Admittedly, it wasn't exactly breathtaking work, but it gets funnier and a lot less dirty from here on. We already have a lot of the story written, and as such, we can update any time we want, it really depends on reviews and stuff. Seeing as we're only putting this on the web for the fun of sharing it, there's no point in going through it and changing all the names and going through all this hassle unless you people are reading & enjoying. So...read and enjoy dammit! Read and enjoy as you have never read and enjoyed before! READ AND ENJOY LIKE THE WIND! Thank you for your time, and we apologize profusely for warping your minds. 


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